


The Coldest Dreams, The Hottest Shame

by Ardania22



Category: Senki Zesshou Symphogear
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Followed by Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, spoilers for the final season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-26 23:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21108959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardania22/pseuds/Ardania22
Summary: It's been some time since the world was saved. But Miku's nightmares haven't yet gone away.





	The Coldest Dreams, The Hottest Shame

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy, I'm in the fanfic pits deep now, folks. Anyway, here's some HibiMiku angst for your souls, hope you enjoy!
> 
> *Spoilers for the finale of XV*

Miku was aware of nothing but the cold. It was so cold. Cold and dark. And heavy. Like being crushed under a mountain of Antarctic permafrost. Like being choked to death by the claws of a living corpse. It was a violent cold, a savage cold, a cold that screamed and raged despite being perfectly silent. It wanted her dead. She might as well already be dead.

“Then why don’t you give it what it wants?”

Shem-ha leered at her, somehow visible in the pitch-black void. “All you need to do is give up,” she purred. “It’s easy as breathing. One little release and it’s all over.”

The rational part of Miku’s brain knew this couldn’t be real. The battle was over. Shem-ha was gone. She had sent them all home with words of hope and trust. There was no way she could be standing before Miku as a monster once again.

If only she could make herself believe it.

“Go on,” the warped god whispered. Her fingers reached out, gnarled and twisted, to caress Miku’s face. “After all the pain you’ve caused, you think you still have a right to live? You deserve to die.”

_You’re wrong._

“You’re a coward.”

_No._

“You’re weak.”

_God, why can’t I talk? Move, lips!_

“You’ll never deserve her.”

_You’re wrong! She said…_

“Come, now, you honestly believe her?” Shem-ha’s voice grew dark and cracked, the sound of wet gravel being ground to dust underfoot. “How big a fool can you possibly be?”

Shem-ha’s grasp on Miku’s face grew painful. Miku tried to squirm away, but her limbs wouldn’t move. Every sense was screaming at her to erupt, to explode, to do _anything _but remain completely frozen in place. But the cold gripped her like an iron maiden, pinning her in place as if it were a physical force. A raging, terrified storm inside a dead, hollow casket.

“It’s all your fault,” Shem-ha hissed, practically spitting the words out now. “You lied to her for years. You kept yourself hidden away like a trembling little lamb afraid of the lions outside. You _hurt _her. And now you believe- you _honestly _believe- she could want you?”

_Hibiki said… she said…_

“She said whatever she had to say to appease you. To quiet you. To make you finally. Shut. Up.”

_Help me… someone…_

“You are _nothing_, girl. _Nothing_.”

_Please…_

“Don’t worry.” Shem-ha’s voice grew soothing again. “All you have to do is accept how worthless you are. Why make it so difficult on everyone by pretending to be something you could never possibly be?”

Her features twisted, contorted, rent like bubbles bursting on the surface of boiling water. Suddenly, the god was wearing Miku’s own face. Her own face, staring down at her with crimson eyes. The blistering cold cackled and gibbered, filling Miku’s ears with vile laughter.

“_Go on,_” her own face snarled at her. “_Be a good girl and die._”

Miku finally found her voice and screamed.

* * *

“Miku! Miku, can you hear me? Miku, please!”

Miku’s eyes wrenched open. Her senses cascaded like a waterfall through her mind, stumbling and spilling as they desperately tried to focus. Light. Color. Someone screaming. Her. Her screaming. A soft feeling beneath her. Somebody grabbing her shoulders. Cold. So cold.

No. Not cold. Warm. Warm like sunlight. Warm like home.

“It’s okay! It’s okay, I’m here!”

_Hibiki._

Miku’s senses finally snapped into focus. She gasped, cutting off her scream. Bed. She was in bed. She was in her apartment. Her and Hibiki’s apartment. It was night. Street lights pouring in from the window. Everything was in place.

_Hibiki._

Her girlfriend’s grip on her shoulders loosened just a bit. She was leaning over Miku, up on her knees, her eyes wide with terror. Her chest was heaving, drawing deep, anxious breaths. “It’s okay,” she repeated, the tremor in her voice clear despite how much she attempted to stifle it. “You’re here. I’m here. It’s okay.”

“Hibiki.” The word felt like sand in Miku’s mouth.

“Miku,” Hibiki responded. Her eyes softened; the heaving in her chest grew gentler. “I got you. You’re safe. Okay?”

“Hibiki.”

“It was a bad one tonight, wasn’t it?” Hibiki pulled Miku up to a sitting position. “It’s okay, it’s all gone now. It can’t hurt you.”

The panic was fading. The fear was slipping away. And in its place crept shame, hot and furious. Before Miku knew it, her eyes were overflowing. She shook with deep, heaving sobs. The air seemed to crack and split like a riverbed suffering a drought. It was the opposite of her nightmare; she was too free, too open, too exposed. Everyone could see her. Nothing could support her. She was falling through space, tumbling down, down, down with nowhere to land as the world laughed and jeered from the bleachers, and the ash built up in her mouth like it was choking her, and Shem-ha’s cruel voice beat like a drum in her head, and, and, and-

And Hibiki was grabbing her, Hibiki was holding her, holding her in place with both arms, and she wasn’t falling through space at all, she was _here, _she was _now_, she was on solid ground with a soft place to land after all. Dimly, she realized her nightclothes were soaked with sweat. Her shirt clung to her like a damp towel. She could taste the salt of her tears as they trickled past her lips, leaving taut marks on her cheeks. Every part of her was alive with feeling, soaking in the air around her as if slaking its thirst after a long journey.

Somehow, her arms were around Hibiki. When Miku had returned her embrace, she couldn’t say. But she held on tight, as if letting go would sent her plummeting away all over again. She could feel Hibiki’s arms tighten in response, her face buried in Miku’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” she was saying, over and over again. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Miku said nothing. She simply held on as tight as she could, heaving wave by wave as her sobs continued to escape her.

Hibiki was so warm. She was so warm it scared her. Not cold like her nightmare, not hot like her waking shame, just warm. A warmth that didn’t demand, didn’t ask anything of her. A warmth that simply _was_. That accepted her as is. That told her she was worthy of it.

Her sobs finally faded. Her body stopped shaking. She grew even more aware of how damp she was. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

Miku’s grip grew tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey.”

Hibiki lifted her face. Her amber eyes were glistening with tears of her own. “It’s alright. I promise.”

_She’s lying._

Miku averted her eyes. She knew the voice (Was it still Shem-ha? Or was it her own by now?) was wrong. It was telling her everything she was afraid of. But it wasn’t true.

_Are you sure?_

“Hey.” Hibiki traced her fingers through Miku’s curls. “You wanna talk about it?”

Miku wet her lips. Hibiki’s touch was so soft. Every time her nightmares had woken her up, that touch was always there for her. “It was just a nightmare,” she mumbled.

“It’s not _just _a nightmare. Not if it’s you.”

Miku glanced back up at Hibiki. Their faces were incredibly close. She found her gaze drawn to a small scar on Hibiki’s cheek. It was such an insignificant little detail, a mark no one would pay any close attention to. But tonight, it seemed to draw Miku in, sucking her away into its depths. She could get lost in that scar and never resurface.

She shook her head and met Hibiki’s gaze again. “I saw Shem-ha again.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Miku wiped her eyes, clearing the last of her tears away. “I don’t know where I was. But it was cold, and dark, and… heavy. And she talked to me. Told me I was worthless. That I… that I didn’t deserve you.”

“Oh, Miku…”

Hibiki brought their faces even closer together. They touched foreheads, touched noses, as close as they could be to kissing without actually kissing. In spite of herself, Miku felt herself blushing. _Unfair_. Hibiki shouldn’t be able to sweep her away when she was this sad. Who gave her the right?

“You mean the world to me,” Hibiki said softly. “You are my sunshine, always and forever. And I’m so, so, lucky to be with you.”

“I know.”

_She’s lying._

“That’s always going to be true. No matter what.”

“I know.”

_You don’t deserve this._

“You’re amazing. You’re so much more amazing than I could ever repay.”

“That’s not true.”

_She’d be better off without you._

“Miku?” A note of worry had entered Hibiki’s voice.

_Look at you, you’re making her worry. How selfish can you be?_

_Shut up shut up shut UP SHUT UP SHUT UP_

Suddenly, Miku’s lips were warm. The world snapped back into focus; Hibiki was kissing her. She was cradling her cheek in her hand and Hibiki was kissing her. The bedclothes were warm beneath her and Hibiki was kissing her. The night air was pleasantly cool and Hibiki was kissing her.

Miku kissed her back.

It was remarkable, really, how inefficient words could be. Human beings had been cursed to be unable to understand each other, robbed of their universal language and lacking a common means of communication. Try as they might, words could only take one so far. But there were so many other ways to understand each other, so many other languages to speak when others fell short. The language of lips spoke in a voice Miku could never comprehend. It spoke in unspoken sentences and wordless paragraphs, in a voice well beyond her range of hearing. And yet, she understood that voice perfectly.

Hibiki’s lips spoke in promises. They spoke in vows made time and time again. They spoke in truths that seemed so self-evident that Miku couldn’t help but wonder how she ever doubted them before. They spoke in a million silent voices that leveled stern rebukes against every word Shem-ha had spoken in her dream. If Miku had to put their language into words, the closest translation she could come up with would be, _you are worthy. _Or perhaps, _you are enough_. Maybe even _you deserve everything I could ever give you_. But all those phrases fell short of what was really being said with each successive kiss.

After some time, they finally broke apart. Hibiki’s face was flushed; her golden hair was messy and tangled. But she was still smiling a soft, nervous smile. “Better?” she asked.

Miku felt herself smile in turn. She was aware of them holding hands; somewhere in the midst of all that kissing, their hands had found each other out of habit. Even now, she couldn’t help but marvel at how soft her touch was. _You really have the gentlest fist in the world. _“Maybe a little.”

“Just a little?” Hibiki’s face scrunched up. “Hm, I guess I need to up the dosage.” She leaned in again.

“Ah, w-wait!” Miku pushed her away. “That won’t be necessary!” _Stop it. Stop blushing now._

“Aaaaaaw.” Hibiki huffed. “Not fair, turning down kisses.”

“I’ll owe you extra in the morning.” Miku breathed deeply, feeling the air fill her lungs. God, how did she keep doing it? How did Hibiki make her feel safe on her worst days so regularly? How did she make all her worries disappear so quickly?

_How do you make loving you so easy?_

Hibiki scooted a bit closer. “You look ponsive.”

Miku blinked. “Ponsive?”

“Yeah. You know, lost in thought?”

It took a moment for Miku to process that. Then, she snorted. “I think you mean _pensive_?”

“Whaaaat?” Hibiki’s jaw dropped in shock. “Have I been saying that wrong my whole life?”

Miku burst into giggles. _Oh my god, you are too much._

It was really as simple as that, wasn’t it? Mere minutes ago, she’d been a sobbing wreck plummeting through the air. And here she was now, giggling like an eight-year-old because her utterly remarkable girlfriend just had her mind blown by a single mistaken word. The bitter freeze of her nightmare might as well never have happened.

“Mikuuuuuu!” Hibiki groaned in mock exasperation. “I thought it was _ponsive_! Why did I think it was _ponsive_? When did- ackphhmmmm!”

This time, Miku was the one who initiated the kiss. Hibiki stumbled for a moment, then leaned right back into it. It lasted for much shorter than last time, just a few seconds. But Miku felt every one of those seconds rush through her veins, sparkling like stardust.

“Wow,” Hibiki managed to squeak out when they broke apart again. She was wearing a shy, bashful grin, the kind of grin that always make Miku’s heart skip a couple beats. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

“At kissing?”

“In general. I mean, yes, definitely at kissing specifically, but I meant, you know-“

Miku squeezed Hibiki’s hand. “Hibiki.”

Hibiki shut up.

“You make me so happy. Every day.” Miku glanced away. “And sometimes, I… I get scared that I don’t do the same for you.”

Hibiki cupped her cheek in her hand. “You do.”

Miku looked back into her eyes. They were soft and searching, like two lighthouses guiding her back to shore. “Promise?”

“Promise.” Their fingers intertwined. “Every moment we spend together is the best moment of my life. So whenever the voices in your head start telling you otherwise, just come find me.” She planted a peck on Miku’s cheek. “I’ll prove them wrong as many times as I need to. Okay?”

Hibiki’s voice wasn’t panicked. It wasn’t stern. It wasn’t even determined. It was just… content. Content in the knowledge that what it spoke was absolutely true. Content in a way that left no room for doubt. It was a voice that could make Miku believe anything without even trying.

“Okay.”

And just like that, they were kissing again. Miku wasn’t sure which of them initiated it this time. Maybe neither of them did. Maybe they’d just been drawn together by some innate force. Maybe they really were bound by fate at this point.

Maybe the world really could be that kind.

When they broke apart again, they were lying back down on the bed once more. Looking at the wonderful girl lying next to her, Miku was more aware than ever of her heart beating in her chest. It was warm within her, warm and comforting like a lantern on a summer evening. Miku grasped onto that feeling, letting it sink into her.

There would be more bad days to come, she was sure. There would be nights when she woke up cold once more, cold and constricted and terrified. There would be days when she would feel hot and helpless, cast adrift without a hand to hold. There would be times when she felt like a fake, like she didn’t deserve any of the wonderful things life had given her. But right now, lying next to Hibiki, staring into her eyes, she was warm. And she would be warm again, over and over, until she could finally believe this was exactly where she was supposed to be.

Home.

“What’cha thinking about?” Hibiki’s voice cut through her thoughts.

Miku smiled. Part of her wanted to try and put her realizations into words, but she knew she didn’t need to. Some things were just self-evident. So instead, all she said was, “I love you.”

Now it was Hibiki’s turn to blush. “H-hey! You can’t just hit me with that out of nowhere, my heart can’t take it!”

Miku laughed. She reached out and embraced Hibiki once more. “I love you,” she repeated.

Hibiki buried her face in Miku’s chest. “Aaaaaagh. I love you too, meanie.”

_I love you. _How astounding it was that three words could hold so much power when paragraphs of explanation would fall short in their place. The first time she’d said them to Hibiki, it had felt like an electric current surging through her, charging parts of her she didn’t even know existed. The first time Hibiki had said them to her, mere seconds later, it had felt like waking up from a long dream and rising from bed for the first time in her life. And every day since then, those words had helped her believe in the impossible time and time again.

She yawned; sleep was creeping back into her nerves. “See you in the morning,” she mumbled.

“You too.”

Hibiki nuzzled deeper into Miku’s chest. There was silence. Then, once again, she whispered into her nightshirt, “I love you.”

Miku kissed the top of her head. “I love you.”

She believed in those words. She believed in Hibiki. And maybe, someday, she could even believe in herself too. Stranger things had certainly happened.

But for now, it was enough to lie in the comfort of the top bunk, her shining sun right there by her side, listening to their soft breathing as the rhythm slowly lulled them both back to sleep.

And this time, there was nothing that could possibly disturb her rest.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats, you made it to the end! Be sure to leave a comment telling me what you thought!


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